5 Secrets To Keep Life from Keeping You Tired

“Winston was gelatinous with fatigue.”
― George Orwell, 1984

Maybe coffee is the answer?

The very last time I remember being exceptionally well-rested was 1999.  Newly pregnant, I was weary due to that whole business of actually manufacturing human life in the walls of my uterus. I slept.  Oh, how I slept.  I would come home after work and climb into bed at 8 pm where I would snooze away blissfully until the snooze button was worn to the nub.

Then, Thing 1 was born and all notions of sleep left with the incessant wailing of the newborn, the finicky restlessness of the baby, the 5 am wake-up calls of the toddler and the ever-present one-ear-open-because-what-if-he-needs-me of the child.  Then came the teenager that wakes me up in the middle of the night with the hushed laughter and murmurs of forbidden late night phone calls, Skype sessions or online video game parties.

My forties came calling and with it endless nocturnal wanderings at 3 a.m.

WTF?

I don't remember NOT being tired. I'm tired right now and I haven't done a damn thing all day except attend meetings, send emails and jot down a few notes. Well, I worked out halfheartedly and slapped together a mildly nourishing, somewhat edible dinner. Short of just going to bed at 5 pm and ignoring the rest of my life, I've got to figure out a way to combat this incessant fatigue that prevents me from being the world-famous figure I am almost certainly destined to be.

I must have a plan. 

1.  Eat fewer fat-girl calories.  Let's take one night a couple weeks ago, for example.  I stopped by the grocery store on the way home.  Famished and exceptionally susceptible to grocery-line suggestive selling, I chucked a Snickers bar on the belt.  I didn't really WANT a Snickers bar but, let me tell you, I WANTED A SNICKERS BAR.  I read the useless, wasted calorie count and the "imma make you fat" sugar content conveniently AFTER I snarfed the bar.  All that stupid sugar makes you feel sooo good and then it makes you feel so very, very, very tired.  And to punish myself, I basically licked water off the counter for dinner

2. Treat exercise like a date to the movies.  I would never, ever skip a date to the movies.  I don't even care what movie it is.  I am NEVER late to a movie.  I always show up early and sit there, breathless, waiting for the dancing popcorn to start its entertaining jaunt across the screen.  And then I am fully engaged in that. But exercise?  I think of any excuse I can to skip it, be late or half-ass it.  But, truly, the more active you are, the less tired you are.  I don't know why it works this way other than the notion that the universe is obviously pitted against me.

3.  Stop trying to control everything.  Very, very little is actually under your control.  And trying to rein in all of the earth and its inhabitants is a pretty big job.  And exhausting.  I am pretty much limiting my little corner of control to...myself.  Sure, I have some influence over Things 1 and 2 but, quite honestly, at this point they're in control of themselves. I have to trust them to make good decisions and use me as a parental consultant on an as-needed basis.

4.  Sleep.  I'm getting good at this one (with the obvious exception of my odd middle-of-the-night random wakening).  If it's not finished by 9, I probably shouldn't be doing it.   Nothing good comes not after midnight but after 9pm.  And that includes cookies.  And one last glass of wine.

5. Practice joy. It may seem like a weird concept to actually practice joy. But human nature allows us to often focus on the What Ifs and the But This Could Happens of life. I prefer to dwell on the infinite possibilities of the hidden surprises that life often presents me as a gift. Last night, I looked up while The Boyfriend and I were heading to the garden for late-night tomato picking and I gasped. The stars were stretched out across the sky in a velvet blanket of wishes and dreams. It was magical. And an instant boost to my weary self.

There are a lot of things we can do every day to ease the weariness of life drudgery that makes us want to forego the bucket list and head for the couch. But the main thing is this: take care of yourself. If you are running around taking care of everyone else first and ignoring your own physical, spiritual and emotional well-being, there will come a day when you are introduced to the wall of life. And that wall will quickly force you to your knees. 

So today, take care of YOU. In one small way, take one small step and reclaim your vigor...your hunger for life. Just say no to being tired all the time.  Instead of folding laundry, read a book. Feed your life. And it will, in turn, nourish you.

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Are You Afraid of Change? 4 Ways to Make it Not Suck

“You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.” – Wayne Gretzky

Forrest Gump faced a lot of changes, too. 

A little over a month ago, I made a decision to make a big change.  Again.  It seems that I am often reinventing myself and my life to make it look just a little bit more like my evolving vision of who I should be and what I should do.  You see, I'm not comfortable with the status quo.  A claustrophobic person by nature, sometimes the metaphorical walls of my life seem to cave in on me and make it so I feel like I can't breathe.  So, I look around and I see what is making me feel trapped or dulled or uninspired and...well...I change it.  

This time, it was work.

The job that I had was amazing.  It was.  I worked with great people and had terrific clients but...I couldn't sleep.  I was up at 2 a.m. or 3 a.m. or 5 a.m. working, working, working.  And it wasn't that I was REQUIRED to work...it was just that I couldn't stop.  I felt continual self-induced pressure to produce.  And that would have been fine with me if I felt like I was making a difference in the world or maybe if I was building my OWN business but...I just felt like I was spinning my wheels.  So, I found another job.  A great job with terrific people.  But I agonized for weeks over it...over making the change and abandoning people who had become friends.  I was horrified at myself for cutting the bonds of loyalty and leaping off into uncharted territory.  But I wasn't scared of the change.  Now that I'm THERE, I realize I probably SHOULD have been (have you ever read the book Modern Hydronic Heating? yeah, I didn't think so...I'm learning more about HVAC, fluid dynamics and heat transfer than any reasonable person should).  

I love change.  And here's why:  changing my circumstances means that I am still growing.  If you stop growing, you might as well hang up your hat right now and just sit and wait to die.  I'm not ready to do that...and you shouldn't either.  So, if you're afraid of change, you can do what I do.  Or not.  

1. Think of the worst thing that could happen if you make a change.  I mean, think of the WORST THING that could happen.  For me, it was "I'll take this job and everyone at my OLD company will HATE me and the new job will be boring and slow."  Then, I think of what I would do if the very worst thing happened.  "Well, I'll just get another job."  Then, as soon as I've faced the worst thing, I'm completely OK with making the change.  And, yes, sometimes the answer has been, "I might die."  And, guess what?  I still do it.  I'm completely comfortable with death.  
2. Think of the very best thing that could happen if you make a change.  "I will love this job SO MUCH that I'll become the KING of the company and people will throw rose petals at me when I walk in the door!" (I never said that I was a realist, ever.)  But, it allows me to free my mind and just start imagining really cool things that could happen if I just let go of what's comfortable and reach outside of my comfort zone for just a moment.
3. Forgive yourself for all the other bad decisions you've made.  I don't know many of us who have made perfect life choices 100% of the time.  Sometimes, dwelling on those wrong choices stymies us and we freeze, unable to move forward or back because of the fear of making the wrong decision.  But then, hey, see tip #1 above.
4. Keep your sense of humor.  I often use humor as a filter. I have been kept afloat during some of the very darkest, blackest hours of my life by just viewing things from a different angle and, yes, laughing through it or at it or in spite of it.  Change doesn't have to be this big, huge THING.  You can just brace yourself, shrug your shoulders and jump in with both feet and hope that somewhere someone has a life raft or that you'll grow wings and fly. 

But what about the changes we DON'T choose?  What if your spouse leaves you? What if you get a serious illness?  What if you get fired or laid off?  Let me propose this:  the above four things still apply.  Every. Single. Time.  Trust me.

I've lived at 34 different addresses in seven states.  I've been through a LOT of therapy for some screwed up stuff.  I had a kid who had a tumor.  I'm divorced.  Trust me...I KNOW change.   And I still move toward it.  I'm captivated by it.  Because change means that I'm learning, growing and, with any luck, becoming a better me.  A better mom.  A better friend.  A better partner.  A better person.

It's nice to sit in the Rockin' Chair for a few minutes.  Peace.

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Advice to My Children on Mother's Day

Mothers are all slightly insane.”
― J.D. Salinger

Things 1 and 2 on a Great Camping Adventure

My children often think I am a whack-job.  Trust me, this is not without reason.  They don't operate in a vacuum and they've seen how I live my life with a let's-have-dessert-FIRST mentality.  They are resigned to the fact that I ring the bell while I ride my bright green bike while wearing my purple helmet.  They tolerate the nosy pepper joke that I tell over and over and over again (thanks again, DT, for that one).  But, sometimes, I'm afraid that my words of wisdom just wash over them as yet another piece of nonsense that they have to deal with as my children.

So, today, as a precursor to Mother's Day, I'm going to give them all of my (unsolicited) serious advice on how I hope they'll live their lives.

1. Choose joy.  Joy comes from within.  Feed the joy.  Nourish it and it will spill out of you.  Joy is your CHOICE.  
2. Be kind.  Hold the door open.  Say "please" and "thank you" with abandon.  Give your seat to a stranger.  Focus on doing kind things for other people and you won't have time to dwell on yourself.  
3. Live outwardly.  Offer hugs.  Share your ideas.  Be connected and involved with other people.  People who are connected in their communities, with their friends and in their families live longer, healthier, happier lives.  You can look that up, it's totally true. 
4. Do what you love.  You get one chance at life.  Don't spend every day hating what you do.  Do something that inspires you.  Live your dream...in whatever shape that takes.  
5. Travel.  I don't care if it's to the next town.  Explore the corners of the world that are out of your comfort zone.   
6. Overcome your fears.  We are designed with built-in fears to protect us from doing stupid things.  But I hope you won't ever let fear prevent you from living your best life.  Pursue adventure in all its forms.  Speak up.  Explore. Say "I love you" first.  
7. Forgive.  People will hurt you.  Sometimes they'll do it intentionally. Sometimes they'll do it out of their own pain.  Regardless, forgive them.  It's important that you understand that holding on to all the hurts will harden you. Let them go.  People who hurt are hurting and I don't want you to become a hurting person.
8. Choose a life partner when you're a little older.  You will change.  She will change.  Wait.  Date.  Figure out who you are before you figure out who you want to be with.
9. Share. If you have something, share it.  It may be money or time or the last cookie in the jar.  I promise you that if you share whatever it is that you have, you will have more of it.  
10. Eliminate "should" from your vocabulary.  I have lived too much of my life operating on "shoulds."  Sometimes, the shoulds in your life can hurt you.  Should inspires guilt.  And guilt has no place in your life.  
11. Love one another.  You have this person in your life who really knows you.  Yes, you are markedly different from each other but you have the same shared life.  No one will understand where you come from like your brother.  Brothers love each other.  Try to embrace your differences and celebrate your similarities.
12. Know how much you are loved.  No kidding...I would give my life for either of you.  And I'm not the only one who feels that way about you.  Love is strength.  Cherish it and know that it's there no matter how much you screw up, how far you go, how mad you are or how alone you feel.  You are loved deeply, passionately and without reservation.  Take that knowledge and go out into the world empowered by it.  It's your safety net.

Reach high, boys.  Understand that everyone on this earth makes choices every. single. day.  You can choose to live your best life or you can choose to play video games in a dark room.  You don't have to be like me.  I just hope with all my heart that you'll choose to love your lives and live them fully.

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Moments of Grace

“It is the tenderness that breaks our hearts. The loveliness that leaves us stranded on the shore, watching the boats sail away. It is the sweetness that makes us want to reach out and touch the soft skin of another person. And it is the grace that comes to us, undeserving though we may be.”
― Robert Goolrick

I was up this morning before dawn, bustling around in my cozy kitchen, feeding the animals, making coffee and stirring up a batch of fresh chocolate chips cookies so that a little bit of mama love can go into the boys' lunches today.  As I watched the butter and sugar cream together in the Bright Red Kitchen Aid Artisan Stand Mixer, I found myself grinning.  I was just standing there, smiling like a fool, into the beginnings of my batter.   And then I began to pray a small, completely insufficient prayer of thanks while enumerating all the reasons I have to be joyful. And then I thought to myself, "Why not write all these down?  That way, in the inevitable moments of darkness, you can reach back to this list and remember why life is so beautiful."

Done.

Reasons to be Joyful

• Two sleeping boys upstairs are healthy, mostly happy, and, most important to me, safe.  They sleep peacefully every night without ever fearing.  They have lived their lives in love without shouting and violence. 
• The flowers on my kitchen table that represent the man who loves me in spite of the fact that I am often unlovable.  I am thankful that he can see past my grumpy mood swings, my inability to logically consider almost any question, my insistence on being unreasonably happy about holiday cups at Starbucks and my utter lack of concern over the filthiness of my home or car.   I am grateful that he always remembers and acts on the little things that make me happy.
• My furry creatures give me far more joy than many people find reasonable. 
• I am a different woman than I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, even 6 months ago.  I am so thankful for the ability to change my mind, my thoughts, my life.
• I can stir chocolate chops into my cookie dough with a beautiful, smooth wooden spoon.  
• My limbs are all still working.  My knees are creaky and my body aches more than it probably should on a winter morning, but I am healthy.  
• I have electric lights to illuminate my pre-dawn hours.
• My heat is working and more than sufficient to keep us warm and safe from the coming winter.
• I have work that I enjoy and that pays me enough to do the things I need to do for my family and to have a little bit of fun every now and again.
• I live in an area where it's a little cold in the winter, a little hot in the summer and a whole lot of fabulous in the spring and fall.  
• I live in a country where I can benefit from education, where I have the freedom to speak my mind,  and where I can rest assured that, even though it will never be perfect, there will always be people striving to change lives for the better.
• I love, and am loved by, far more people than one person deserves to have.  I am grateful for the many people who weave in and out of my life, creating a bright tapestry of friendship and love to keep me believing that people, at their core, are usually kind, generous and loving.
• There will always be more reasons to be joyful.

The list went on and on, all the way down to things like really great water pressure, drawers that slide smoothly in and out, and the fruit on the beautiful handmade pottery platter (a little plug for Stephen Dean) on my kitchen table where the cat is currently nestled (I promise I will clean the table before we eat).

I know that your list of joyful things may be different...but I also know you have one.  I hope you can take a few moments today and appreciate those little things that make it all worth it.

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Backpacking is for Girls

“It had nothing to do with gear or footwear or the backpacking fads or philosophies of any particular era or even with getting from point A to point B.

It had to do with how it felt to be in the wild. With what it was like to walk for miles with no reason other than to witness the accumulation of trees and meadows, mountains and deserts, streams and rocks, rivers and grasses, sunrises and sunsets. The experience was powerful and fundamental. It seemed to me that it had always felt like this to be a human in the wild, and as long as the wild existed it would always feel this way.”
― Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

On Saturday, we hiked.  My Guy and I strapped all that we would need for 24 hours on our backs and we ventured with Sparky and Mr. McDougal in to the wilderness.

The great majority of my friends do not understand my propensity to head for the trees.  There are no creature comforts out in the woods except for a warm fire, a cozy sleeping bag and a dry tent.  My friends prefer climate control, real mattresses and wine in a glass instead of in an aluminum trail mug. And, overall, I wouldn't want to live that way EVERY DAY but I find that going to the woods every now and again brings me back to my center.

I am fascinated by trail hiking, especially long-distance hikers who wax nostalgically about "finding themselves" over many body-crushing miles on the Appalachian Trail or the Pacific Crest Trail.  They write about mutilated feet, scorching heat, unbearable cold and the kindness of strangers on the trail.  They recite scores of stories about long days hiking with only the thought of how much physical pain they were in.  They remember being scared, lonely, worried, tired, and sick of themselves.  I immerse myself in their stories, walking alongside them in my mind.

How I long to be one of them.

Odds are, I'll never be a thru-hiker.  As it is, we take some pretty short trips because my knees simply can't take the load in their current state.  But I suck up the pain of my arthritis-riddled joints because I cannot bear to not do it.  There is something so satisfying about carrying a heavy load up a mountain, making camp, finding wood to make a fire and sitting by a river or a stream filtering water for drinking.  It's primal.  And soul-repairing.  It doesn't have to be a long journey.  It just has to be...away.  Away from smart phones and tvs and cars and stores and ads and "I want" and "I need" and "Could you?" and lawns to be mowed and every single other item that demands your attention every moment of every day.

Sometimes, it's just good to be away.  Really, truly AWAY.

I sat there on Sunday morning perched on a large flat rock in the middle of a stream.  The temperature was just under 40 degrees Fahrenheit and I could see my breath in the beams of early morning sunlight streaming through the trees.  I yawned and rubbed my eyes before I put the plastic tubing of the water filter into the icy water.  As I slowly pumped the water through the filter into our Nalgene bottle, I became intentional in my appreciation for this planet, this life, my friends and family and for the many things I tend to take for granted every day.  I sat there on that rock in the frigid cold before I ever even had one drop of morning coffee and I thanked God for everything I have, everything I am and everything I have yet to learn.

It was a beautiful time of worship.  And I can't wait to get back there again.  Join me?  You know you want to... 

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I DID Learn a Lot in Kindergarten!

“Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw some and paint some and sing and dance and play and work everyday some.”
― Robert Fulghum

I begin my days early.  There is always something wonderful and magic about the pre-dawn hours.  I often stroll the streets of my neighborhood with my earbuds in and my Pandora station tuned to something I can sing along to while I walk.  In those hours just before dawn I am new.  I haven't screwed anything up yet and life is always full of possibilities.

It's always then (well, NOW) when ideas strike.  

This morning I didn't take a stroll.  I somehow injured myself on Saturday night when the boys and I went bowling with my Significant Other and his daughter.  Who knew you should stretch before bowling?  HE claims I wrenched my knee during my goofy (public) victory dance after nabbing that spare.  I think that bowling may just be more strenuous than we imagine. But I digress.

This morning, I sat down at my computer to do some work.  And then found myself searching for Robert Fulghum quotes.  

In the moment with Things 1 and 2

For those of you who don't know Robert Fulghum, he was the author of the 1989 besteller, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten."  It was probably the first "positive thinking/self-help/let's all feel good" book I ever read.  My copy is dog-earred and worn because I have a tendency to bring it out year after year.  I still cry for many reasons when I read it.  Mostly I cry because he puts into words the hope, the joy and the absolute certainty I have that the world is not made up of hate but of love.  If you haven't read it, you should.  Today.  Here's a link.  And here's a spoiler alert:  the Crayola bomb is my absolute favorite essay.

I stopped watching the news a long time ago.  Well, I catch snippets of The Today Show in the morning as I get ready for work. But mostly, I cruise along in blissful ignorance of the "news."  I choose to believe that the REAL news in our lives is more positive.  So, in celebration of the positive, I'm sharing the REAL NEWS this morning:

1. You're alive.  You made it through the night.  You're still here so you have yet another chance to offer that apology or to find that new job or to clean your dirty kitchen floor.  Today starts NOW and you're still here to enjoy it.  Yes, I know that your boss is a jerk and your spouse is neglectful and your kids are out of control.  But, yet, here you are.  That's good news.
2. Right now, someone is doing something good.  It could even be happening in your own house!  The truth is this:  at every second on this planet there are many, many wonderful things going on.  Someone is singing a song.  Someone is listening to an elderly parent tell a story (for the thousandth time). Someone is smiling.  Someone is holding a door for a stranger.  Everywhere.  All the time.  Good things are happening. 
3. This, too, shall pass.  Every moment is fleeting.  Even if you're having the best worst day of your LIFE, it will be over tomorrow.  No matter how you're feeling in this moment, it will pass.  The joy will be gone (but it will come again!), the sorrow will be fleeting, the pain will disappear.  Trust me.  It will pass.  So, why not take this opportunity to be here?  Take a minute to fully appreciate where you are IN THIS MOMENT.  And then move along.  
4. Life is happening.  I am channeling my inner Dr. Seuss here:  don't get stuck in the waiting place!  Take action, no matter how small.  Even if you're just getting up out of your chair to walk around the block or putting down your cell phone to notice that flowers are blooming or the rain is falling.  Life is happening all around you.  Be a part of it.

Over the past couple of years, I have found my own joy.  I work hard to be fully present in the moment and, by simply focusing on the four things above mixed in with a little prayer and an attitude of thankfulness for the grace in my life, I am more joyful and more mindful than ever before.  Circumstances change but my heart stays the same.

What's your news?

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Dear Santa, We Have To Talk

“So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.”
― Jeff Kinney

Dear Santa,

I know we haven't been terribly close since my entire third-grade class launched an attack on you.  I mean,  I didn't really believe the lies they were spewing but I figured my all-out adoration of you might best be cloaked under a fine veil of pre-teen scorn.

Your presence in shopping malls and holiday parades always made me shiver a little and I often fought the urge to come and sit on your lap and breathe in your cookies-and-hot-chocolate scent.  But I refrained.  I'm sorry.  I realize we lost a lot of years.

And I know you were probably disappointed when my kids were slightly terrified of you.  But, come on, Santa, you might want to get with the times and take that full beard down a notch or two.  Kids these days aren't accustomed to voluminous fluffy white facial hair.

But here's the thing, Santa:  I need you to show up.  This year, I am ready for you to show up.  And, like Mariah, I have a grown-up Christmas list that needs your attention.  Forget the smushy, oogie, lovey dovey stuff.  I have some real requests. 

1.  Sprinkle some magic fairy dust to keep people from lying to each other.  I know, I know.  Honesty can hurt.  But you know what hurts more?  Deception and the eradication of trust.  That hurts people way more than honesty ever could.  And I'm not talking about cruel honesty...there's no need to tell Aunt Ethel that her butt is bigger than the side of a barn.  But we shouldn't just lie because it's more convenient for us, should we?
2. Help people understand that tolerance is a two-way street.  People have beliefs.  My neighbor may have a different belief than I have.  But my neighbor has EVERY RIGHT to believe what he believes.  I may think he's wrong.  He may think I'm wrong.  But you know what?  I support his right to state his beliefs.  And I have to respect our differences.  
3. Get rid of child abuse.  Santa, I don't need diamonds.  I don't need more stuff.  What I need is for adults to stop hurting kids.  Period.  It's not hard, Santa.  You know what?  Sometimes I get REALLY MAD at my kids.  I do.  But I don't call them names.  I don't hit them.  Can you make that happen, Santa?  'Cause I really, really want that for Christmas.  I've been good (mostly).  
4. Pull some money out of that sack, Santa, and give it to people who need it.  Some people can't pay their power bill.  It's Christmas, Santa.  Turn on their lights.  Some people need food.  Let's get them to the grocery store.  Inspire people to give to others.  
5. Make people laugh.  You're a fat, jolly old elf, Santa.  If people can't laugh with you, then there is little to no hope.  Laughter heals.  Laughter helps.  And, quite honestly, sometimes it's all you can do.

 Maybe you can't help me, Santa.  Maybe my list is more suitable for prayers than wishes.   But, Santa, I have to tell you...I am praying about all those things.  And I don't see any answers yet.  But I realize that life is far bigger than I am and that I don't see the larger picture.  

But I have to believe that one day...that, maybe, one Christmas...there won't be trinkets under my tree.  

I have hope.  

I believe.

Love,
Kelly

P.S.  Thanks for that bicycle when I was six.  The one with the basket and the horn?  That was pretty awesome. 


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How Hope Springs Eternal in the Mind of a True Optimist

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
― Oscar Wilde

I don't write about my work in my blog.  Have you noticed?  I spew on and on about everything under the sun but I don't refer to my workplace at all.   I think it's unprofessional to write (a.k.a. "complain") about your work in a personal blog.  I am not going to write about it today (much) other than to say I am starting a NEW job on Monday...a job I am well-suited for and ridiculously excited about. 

But I have to tell you the story about how I GOT there.

I had been looking for other work for some time.  I had been interviewing here and there and came close to snagging a few positions but never quite got there.  It was befuddling to me because I have always been a person who could secure a new job in just a couple of months.  The economy has shifted, however, and I am at a different place in my career. Times are hard for a mid-level marketer.

I grew more and more frustrated in my work but just couldn't seem to move anywhere.  Finally, one day several weeks ago, I threw up my hands in disgust and said, "OK, God, obviously I am not getting anywhere on my own.  Put me where you want me. I am letting this go."  The phone rang the next day.  (I'm not kidding.)

I began interviewing in earnest.  People were e-mailing me for interviews and calling me for interviews.  I've not seen anything like it in the two years I've been dabbling with finding a new position.  It was like God was saying, "See, kid?  All you had to do was ask for help...and trust Me."

One day, I received an e-mail from someone who had an editor job open at a local magazine.  WHAT?  That was a WRITING JOB!  I had sent in my resume on the off-chance that someone might make a mistake and call me because I didn't have ANY experience for the position other than my own desire to write and my years of toiling away in the business world.  We set up a phone interview.

The interview was brief and I hung up, discouraged.  She reiterated several times that they were looking for a "seasoned editor."  Well, obviously I had zero experience so they'd have to look elsewhere for a little salt-and-pepper.

A couple of days later,  I received an e-mail inviting me in to interview with the editor-in-chief.  WHAT??  That guy is a REAL WRITER.  He's a REAL GOOD WRITER.  I read everything he'd written in the past...oh...three years and I put on a jacket and I went to talk with him.

He questioned me about my ability to be a journalist.  We talked back and forth for a while and I told him earnestly that I could DO IT.  I could be a writer.  I AM a writer.  I have the business card, for goodness sake.

I asked him to give me a chance to show him that I could write.  He let me interview him for a "real" story, coaching me a little along the way about what questions to ask.  After a bit, he told me that NOW it was time for the REAL interview.  He was SUPER NICE.  And he was a REAL WRITER.  I was in awe, honestly.

I walked into the president's office and took a seat.  The conversation as follows is not verbatim, but it's pretty darn close.

President:  "I haven't really had a chance to look over your resume, but I'm wondering how on EARTH you got through two levels of interviews to be sitting here.  You have NO EXPERIENCE."

Me:  "But I DO have experience.  I just don't have experience in this PARTICULAR area.  I am a non-traditional candidate, see?  In my heart, I am a writer."

President: "You seem like a SALESPERSON.  Why aren't you in sales? Salespeople make money.  Writers don't make money."

Me:  "I could be a salesperson.  Do you have a job in sales?"

President:  "Are you going through some sort of mid-life CRISIS?  Why are you sitting here?"

Me:  "Because I CAN WRITE.  I can do it.  I can be a GOOD writer.  In my heart, I am a writer."

President: "In your heart...if I told you that I had a job washing cars, would you want to do that, too?"

Me:  "No.  I don't want to wash cars.  But sales I could do.  Writing I could REALLY do."

It went back and forth for quite some time.  It was the toughest interview I ever sat through.  He asked me questions designed to dig out pieces of my character.  It was fascinating.  And exhilarating.  And I loved it.  I didn't know what to think about it when it was over but I loved that I was able to have the experience of interviewing for a REAL WRITING JOB. 


The next Monday, I received my first job offer from a small company looking for a marketing director.

I emailed the magazine and told them I had an offer.  I needed to know if they were at ALL interested in moving me through the next phase before I accepted any other offer.  

And I kept interviewing.

I received an email from the magazine.  I WAS STILL IN THE RUNNING.  I was scheduled for the final leg:  a writing test. (Holy crap.  Did they KNOW that I had no experience?  Yes, they told me that they KNEW I had no experience.  Why on earth was I still in the running?  I was BEYOND thrilled.)

I kept interviewing.

I went into the writing test, nervous but beyond excited.  I sat down and "interviewed" a senior editor playing a role.  I then wrote my very first article in my very first newsroom and handed it in.  I was thrilled.

I received another job offer...and, much like Godfather lore, it was something I simply couldn't refuse.  I will be able to write in my new position...not like the REAL WRITER job, but enough to make me grow.  I emailed the folks at the magazine and told them I was taking the other job.

It was a great ride.  For just a moment in time, I was there in a newsroom, tapping away on the keys like a Real Writer.  I sat there through those interviews believing enough in myself and my abilities to convince other people that MAYBE, just MAYBE, I could do something I had never done before.  It was glorious.  I will never, ever forget it. 

And along the way, I learned a valuable lesson:  sometimes it's a good thing to let go of the reins in life.  I hope it's a lesson that stays with me.

Time to get ready for my last few days of my old job. 

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Being Brave

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
― Nelson Mandela

Yesterday, as I was cleaning my house, I set my Pandora station to Anna Kendrick because I love the cup song she sings on Pitch Perfect (my latest guilty pleasure movie that runs in the background at least twice a week while I putter around my house).  A Sara Bareilles song played that I had never heard.  I sat down and let the chills wash over me.  Lyrics are all-powerful to me...and these have haunted me for the last 24 hours:

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
                           -Sara Bareilles, Brave

So many people in this world hold their tongues in fear.  They are violated in unspeakable ways every day and they cannot speak for fear of their very lives or because they simply do not think they are worthy of protection.  I began to think about how truly blessed I am in this life.  I say what I want.  I have freedom to go where I want to.  Today, no one hurts me....at least not in the ways that are truly, deeply scarring.

I want to speak up for those who cannot speak.  Until they find their voices (and it is my fervent prayer that they WILL), I will speak.

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
                         - Sara Bareilles, Brave

• For all the children who are beaten, neglected, screamed at and told that they are worthless, stupid and ugly:  I speak for you.  You are precious.  You are a beautiful gift to this world and someday, with a lot of grace and the wonderful reserve of will you will find, you will know this about yourself.  I speak for you.
•  For all of the kids who are shoved around and taunted because you are different:  I speak for you.  People are frightened of those who are different.  The hate that is in them is not for you.  You are precious.  You are loved.  You were designed perfectly just exactly as you are. Don't fall for their lies. I speak for you.
• For all the women in the United States who are humiliated and scarred, physically and emotionally, by the actions of those who supposedly love you:  I speak for you.  You deserve a life of safety and protection.  You are precious.  Priceless.  Abuse is not love.  You have worth and gifts....and there is only one you.  Please do not let yourselves be destroyed.  I speak for you.
• For all the women around the world in poverty, slavery and in war-torn countries whose bodies are violated in unspeakable ways by strangers: I speak for you.  You are precious.  I pray that you are freed.  Your rescue is possible.  There is hope.  They cannot touch your heart.  I speak for you.  

My deepest, most heartfelt desire is that people who have no voice will find their voices.  Speaking out is the most powerful antidote against fear.  Living in silence will never be the ultimate answer.  It is only through digging deep down and telling the truth with your own voice that you will finally be free.  You can speak.

I am grateful that I found my voice.

 
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Facing the Current Me During Reunion Time

“Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four.”
                                                ― Nora Ephron

Next Saturday, I will be attending my 24th high school reunion along with the class of 1988 (their 25th).  I have spent the morning uploading high school pictures from various alumni to Flickr for use in the video to flash on the screen throughout the evening.  And I have been focusing on how small my waist was.  How thin my arms were.  Other than the big GIANT 80's hair and the bushy caterpillar eyebrows...I was SMOKIN' HOT.

Circa 1988 vs. Circa 2012.  Sigh.  The old me.  And the new.

Well, my BODY was smokin' hot.  And I certainly do wish I had flaunted it more.  And I know that so many of us look back and wish for the return of those carefree kids in those photos with the thin physiques and the wide-open futures.  But as I look back at these photos LONGING for the return of that effortlessly skinny girl (I ate COOKIES for lunch, for goodness sake..which may be how I came to be so much...thicker), I realized something:  that girl no longer exists.  Sure, I've added (a lot) of pounds since those days.  But that's not the ONLY thing that's different.

I am (almost) a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON.

• I am more confident.  That girl was a mouse.  She thought she was ugly, too skinny, not smart enough, never funny.  
• I am wiser.  That girl made poor decisions...ALL THE TIME.  She leaped without looking (OK, I still do that a lot) and she sacrificed herself continually.
• I am less alone.  That girl walled people off.  She kept them at arm's length for fear of being hurt even more than she already had been.
• I speak my mind.  That girl was argumentative, sure.  But she didn't speak the truth.  She debated but she did not share.
• I am more aware.  That girl had blinders on about most things. She had a streak of idealism but she never really paid attention.
• I seek a higher power.  That girl was convinced that God did not exist.  She knew better.

I know people often don't attend reunions because they fear people will look at them and wonder what happened.  They might have bigger, softer bodies.  They may not have the career they thought they should have.  They may be markedly different from those days in high school.

But isn't that the POINT of growth?  

I don't WANT to remain stagnant.  Sure, I'd like to make healthier choices to get back to my thinner self but, you know what?  I am not defined by how I LOOK.

I. Am. Not. Defined.  By. How. I. Look.

None of us are.  We TRY to define people in any way we can.  We label:  fat, skinny, white, black, Asian, gay, straight, blue-collar, white-collar, short, tall, athletic, dumpy, disabled, and on, and on, and on...

When will we be judged by the content of our character?  Martin Luther King's speech echoed once again in every house in our country with a television just a few weeks ago.  When will we start living his dream?  I am going to my reunion next week.  I am proud of who I have become (even though, MAN, I still have a long way to go...) and I look forward to the event.  I don't look the same.  I don't act the same.  I am not the same.  And I hope that I never, ever STAY the same.

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Living the Miracle

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
                                                                                      ― Albert Einstein

 Do you ever wonder if people over the age of 80 consider each and every day a miracle?  As we move through the twilight years of our lives, do we stop trying to achieve perfection? Do we slow down and listen to what others are saying?  Do we apologize sooner?  Laugh quicker?  Forgive easier?  

We hear stories all the time of people who have recovered from horrific accidents who say that NOW they consider each and every day to be a gift.  We hear of people with terminal illnesses who say that they are grateful for every day.

What does it take to get us to understand that every day IS a miracle?

What does it take for us to turn off our cell phones while we're sitting at a table with other people?  What does it take for us to smile more and criticize less?  What has to happen in your life to get you out of that chair in front of that TV and live your life in color, out loud?

1. If a doctor told you that you had three weeks to live...what's the FIRST thing you would do?  Why aren't you doing it today?
2. What's the sweetest sound you hear every single day?  Are you truly listening to it?  
3. If your child, your spouse or your best friend was heading to surgery RIGHT NOW, what is the one thing you would want to tell them before anesthesia?  Have you told them that today?
4. When is the last time you made pictures out of the clouds in the sky? 
5. Do you pause in the morning as you rush to your car to look around at the grass, the sky, the trees and be in the moment, for the moment? 
6. When is the last time you truly looked someone deeply in the eyes?  What did you see there?
7. In the madness and chaos of the day, do you say "I love you" and mean it?  Or do you rush through it like you do everything else?
8. Have you heard anything by Vivaldi lately?  Try it.  If you don't know Vivaldi, please get to know his music.  You won't be sorry.
9. When's the last time you appreciated your body?  Instead of looking at your wrinkles or your fat or your too-short arms, think about how amazing it feels to stretch.  Think about the beautiful miraculous machine that gets you from place to place.  
10. When is the last time that you really appreciated on how beautiful this life is?  In spite of its tragedies, its pain, its drudgery, its worry....this life is a gift. We can do a better job of it.  Can't we?

Focus on the miracle.

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No Need To Worry

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
                                                           ― Corrie ten Boom

One of my all-time favorite things to say is this:  We only get this ONE CHANCE...this ONE life.  I use it when I'm trying to decide if I should clean my sty of a living room or go out to dinner with friends (dinner wins, hands down).  I use it when I'm opting to take my kids camping instead of staying home.  I use it when I sit down and play games with Thing 2 instead of doing the dishes.  And now, I've started applying it to worry with a little added spin:  If I die tomorrow, is this important? 

I'm not a BIG worrier anyway.  But every now and again, I get caught in some weird spiral which usually results in me being wide awake at 3 a.m. dealing with ALL the "issues" in my life.  Most of the time, I choose NOT to worry (because, believe it or not, worry IS a CHOICE) but sometimes my guard is down when I'm feeling particularly lonely or sad or overwhelmed.

Things You Don't Have to Worry About

• Stuff. The kid with the most toys at the end does NOT win.  If you collect ALL the world's Star Wars figurines and store them on the shelf in pristine condition, you do not win.  Ask yourself what PLEASURE they are bringing to you and/or to others.  I don't worry about my STUFF.  Ever.  Ask my kids.  If they break something, I usually figure out if they're OK and then I sigh, shrug my shoulders and say, "Accidents happen."  Unless it's something we NEED, I usually don't bother replacing it.  There is sometimes a pang when it's something that someone special gave to me...but, in reality, I have memories of that person.  The "stuff" is just representative.  I choose not to worry about stuff.
• Money. Money isn't everything.  It isn't ANYTHING, other than a tool.  I know it's a shocker but I really try not to worry about money...even when I don't have very much of it.  I use money as it's meant to be used:  a tool.  I share it.  I give it away when I can.  I use it to make memories with other people.  But if I were dying tomorrow, I wouldn't think about all the money I'm missing out on.  And, as the saying goes, I certainly can't take it with me. I choose not to worry about money.
• Work.  Work gets me down sometimes.  I focus on getting my job done (and done well) but I know it's not something I am in love with at this point.  I am looking for fulfilling work that I am passionate about.  But every day, I pull myself AWAY from worrying about my job.  I choose not to worry about my work.
• Health.  It's easy not to worry about health when you have it. But my knees are shot.  I'm looking at double knee replacement a few years down the line.  I try to eat right.  I exercise at least a little bit almost every day.  I do what I can.  And I realize that my health is somewhat in my control.  But I could be blindsided at any moment.  I don't worry about it though.  It is what it is. I choose not to worry about health.
• Kids.  This is one I struggle with.  Because if I were dying tomorrow, I WOULD worry about my kids.  I love Thing 1 and Thing 2 with every breath in my body.  I want them to make good choices.  I want them to live long, healthy, happy, caring, loving, fulfilling, nurturing, true lives.  But I am NOT THEM.  I can't live their lives for them.  All I can do is provide them with tools to live a beautiful life.  I can give them a sense of safety.  I can show them what faith looks like.  I can act with kindness toward them. I can provide unconditional, faithful love.  I can teach them to communicate effectively with people they love and with people they've just met.  But I can't do it for them.  I can't make their choices.  I can only trust that they will take this solid foundation we've attempted to give them and make their own lives in the best way they know how.  I choose not to worry about my kids.
• Love.  I sometimes believe that I will die alone and, after my dead carcass rots away for a few weeks or months, that not a soul will come to my funeral.  I realize this is overly dramatic because my children will almost CERTAINLY feel obligated to attend.  I am not always a good friend.  And I wasn't always a good wife.  And I wasn't a good girlfriend at times.  And I am alone.  Being alone can be scary.  But then...just when sadness starts etching away at my happiness, love finds me.  A friend calls to have lunch.  Someone else calls out of the blue just to say hello.  I am pretty sure that this is where God shows up.  Love exists in my life in beautiful and profound ways...and not always in the way I would have expected years ago.  But it's real.  And it's solid.  And I can depend on it.  I choose not to worry about love.
• Living.  I work hard to do this life right.  Every day, I make choices that I hope are better than the day before.  I learn and I give and I love with all that I have.  I screw up.  I start over.  I hurt the feelings of people I love. I get angry when I shouldn't and I build massive walls almost instantaneously.  But I apologize.  And I knock down the walls.  And I start over.  I work hard at this life.  I try to appreciate the gift that it is.  I choose not to worry about life.

What are you worrying about?  If you were told today that this was IT...this was your LAST day on earth...would you STILL be worrying about it?  What would you do instead?  How do you choose to spend your time:  worrying or living?

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10 Secrets for Happiness

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
― Abraham Lincoln

I obsess about happiness.  "Am I happy?"  "Are my kids happy?"  "Are my DOGS happy?"  "Is that cashier happy?"  I have no idea why I do it.  I do know that I've ALWAYS done it.  I have these long rambling journals from my teenage years (yes, I do realize nothing's changed) where I ponder the meaning of happiness, how happiness is achieved, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  I've read entire BOOKS devoted to happiness. 

I've finally discovered the secret to happiness:  Be happy.

WHAT??

I know.  It's ridiculous.  And it's easy.  BE FLIPPIN' HAPPY.  Happiness is a choice.  Anger is a choice.  Misery is a choice.  CHOOSE HAPPY.  It's that easy.

In order to add credibility, however, I'm going to share the elusive 10 secrets to happiness.  Ready?  This is life-changing so you may want to take a shower and look pretty before you go shouting it out to the streets.

1. Share your life.  Share it with people you love or people you like.  Share it with people who make you laugh.  Share it with pets.  Share it with social media. Share it with the stranger you meet on the street.  Connect.  Connect.  Connect.
2. Smile.  Have you ever heard the saying, "Fake it 'til you make it?"  It's true.  Smiling makes you happy.  It's really hard to frown when you're smiling.  Try it.  Right now.
3. Give of yourself.  This is different from sharing your life.  This is doing things for other people.  Even if it's as simple as opening a door.  Try going through your day just doing really simple, easy things for others.  It's a huge mood booster.
4. Wear something that makes you feel handsome/pretty.  I'm not saying you have to dress up every day.  But wear something that makes you think, "I look GOOD."  You'll feel happy when you think you're rockin' that leisure suit.
5. Go outside.  Every day.  No matter the weather. Take a walk.  Drink your coffee on your front porch or your back deck.  Breathe it in.  What a beautiful world we live in.  
6. Breathe.  Deeply. And appreciatively.  Every breath is a gift.  Pausing to appreciate it always makes me smile.
7. Sing.  Sing a song, make it simple to last your whole life long.  Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear.  Just sing, sing a song.  I have loved that old Carpenters song for my ENTIRE LIFE.  It's true, too.  Singing begets happiness.  I dare you to sing (out loud) and not feel good.  
8. Move.  Get off your keister.  Move your body.  Find an exercise you enjoy.  And then...enjoy it.  You can't be miserable if you're hula hooping or bowling or playing tennis.  There's just no time for it.
9. Turn off the TV.  The stories that other people make up are mesmerizing. But more and more people are watching what I call junk tv.  They're watching reality shows with miserable people making miserable choices. Don't watch it.  Turn it off.  Live your own stories.
10. Learn.  Every day, learn something new.  Don't just skim over that word you don't recognize.  Look it up.  Use your brain.  Stretch your mind.  

Happiness is attainable.  And you can get to it in this instant.  Start small.  Maybe just a slight upturn of your mouth is enough for now.  But start.

Life is a gift.  We should receive it happily.

END NOTE:  There are some cases where choosing happiness just doesn't work.  I do realize that clinical depression is REAL.  And the above steps and choices do not apply in that situation.  If you are clinically depressed, I hope that you see a doctor to help guide you into a better state.  I DO know that depression is a liar...it will deceive you and destroy you.  If this is your truth, I send love your way.

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She Let Go

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you've probably figured out that I'm a HUGE fan of quotations.  Sometimes other people say so succinctly what's in our hearts.  I read this poem last night and it absolutely took my breath away.   I've never read it before but couldn't help but share it...I hope that you will enjoy it as much as I have.  It has been attributed to several authors, including Rev. Safire Rose, Ernest Holmes and Jennifer Eckert Bernau.

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments. 
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, 
without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a 
book on how to let go… She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back. 
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. 
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. 
She didn’t journal about it. 
She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. 
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. 
She just let go.
She didn’t analyse whether she should let go. 
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. 
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. 
She didn’t call the prayer line. 
She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. 
There was no applause or congratulations. 
No one thanked her or praised her. 
No one noticed a thing. 
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. 
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. 
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. 
A small smile came over her face. 
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.


 

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Reframing the Problem

“Every problem is a gift - without problems we would not grow.”
                                         ― Anthony Robbins

If you were in a locked room with no windows, how would you get out?

At first, the answer may be that you COULDN'T get out.  I mean, how on earth could you manage to escape a locked room with no windows?  Do you imagine an empty room?  Do you imagine that you are alone? 

At second glance, however, there are a myriad of possibilities.  I didn't say that no one else ever entered the room, did I?  I didn't say that there wasn't a trap door that you could use to escape from below.  Or perhaps there's a ceiling above with removable tiles and you could stack books or blocks or bedding to reach it. 

I don't believe in insurmountable problems.  I believe that we can always re-frame the problem and search for the creative solution.  I faced one of these problems over the last year that really had blown my mind for quite a while. 

I had an issue with my Ex-Boyfriend.  (We'll just go ahead and call him "Ex" because there is no real chance of reconciliation and, thus, the name "Off Again" no longer applies.)  I believe he is of the mind that I am a lunatic.  Granted, he is the recipient of about 1,000 texts over the course of several years (1,000 MIGHT be an exaggeration) with me ranting LIKE a lunatic.  He is also the beneficiary of calls where I say "I am on my way to see you to discuss [insert A, B, or C]..."  I have wept and gnashed my teeth on more than one occasion. At first glance, it would appear that I am, indeed, a lunatic.

But, when you look around at ALL the facts, you will see that I was under undue strain during the course of our relationship. There are many intensely personal reasons behind my unraveling in this relationship that I won't share publicly but I think you get my meaning that there are multiple arguments I can use against the idea that I am a lunatic.  I don't know that he would accept any of them.  I don't know that he should because, quite honestly, there were times when I did BEHAVE very much like a crazy person.  Hint:   If you are behaving like a bonafide nut job in any relationship, you should probably go ahead and realize that relationship probably isn't healthy.  You should go ahead and end it.  If you find yourself hanging out a window and biting soap you MIGHT have a bit of a problem (I couldn't resist throwing that in...I have a friend who's going to LOVE that! And, to be clear, I have never hung out a window nor have I bitten soap.).  Just a little tip.

I have, however, re-framed this problem.   Around other people, I do NOT behave like a lunatic.  Oh, sure, I act silly sometimes and I'm a little (maybe a lot) on the bitchy side sometimes but I can say honestly that most people do not believe that my marbles are rolling around loosely in my head.  This is because I don't send other people 1,000 texts.  I am not constantly trying to figure out if other people are lying to me.  I don't weep around other people and apologize constantly and profusely for every real and imagined transgression.  I don't beg other people to love me (yes, literally...not figuratively...beg). I tend to trust other people and acknowledge that they enjoy my company and, therefore, I am at my sane best with them.  In short, with other people I am my authentic self and not some shell-shocked unrecognizable version of me. 

The problem, in this instance, lies in the relationship OR, if you want to be honest, the lack thereof.  See, I THOUGHT what we had was a real honest-to-goodness relationship.  But we didn't.  There was no foundation...no solid ground.  And when solid ground does not exist, structures built tend to be a little shaky.  Or, in this case,  A LOT shaky.  The problem wasn't ME...and it wasn't HIM.  The problem was US.  Co-dependent much? 

I am seriously gun-shy after this relationship.  I don't trust myself to make good choices and I don't trust anyone else not to hurt an already bruised and battered heart.  I think it will be a while before I hit the ground running.

But by looking at the problem in a different light, I can at least acknowledge what I'm not looking for.  And I know how I shouldn't feel in a relationship.  The creative solution in this instance was NOT to try to patch up the plethora of holes.  The creative solution was for both of us to run in opposite directions from each other.  Being away from that relationship helps me to sleep easier and feel more like myself.  And I know that if I have the urge to send 1,000 texts, I should probably run as fast as I can in the other direction...or at least be sure that I have unlimited texting on my phone plan.

So, here are a few hints that you might need to re-frame your relationship issues (and when I say "re-frame," what I really mean is "get the hell out"):

• If your partner ever uses the phrase "I don't really CARE how you feel."
• If you ever find yourself misspelling texts because you are crying so hard you can't see.
• If you feel the need to send more than 3 texts in one minute that include the words "a--hole," "WHY?" and/or more than one "please."
• If you ever feel the need to ask your partner if they really love you.  Daily.
• If you automatically assume that your partner is lying.
• If you ever withhold thoughts and/or feelings from your partner because you're afraid of how they'll react.
• If your partner controls when, how long and where you see each other.
• If you ever spend more than 5 days not talking to your partner.  (For me, this is one day.  I really need communication..)
• If you ever question the fact that you might actually be losing your sanity.

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Dancin' through life

“We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.”
                                                         ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Sunday was a really, really bad day.  I didn't feel well.  Nothing was right.  I felt terrible and I cried by myself, alone in my house with only the animals for companionship.

And then came Monday.

Monday isn't usually a day of celebration.  Mondays are the start of our work weeks.  Mondays are just the beginning of a long stretch of gettin' up and gettin' it done.  MY Monday was different, though.  In the midst of my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day on Sunday, I realized something: life happens around us in spite of our circumstances.

It doesn't matter if we're sick or tired or crying.  It doesn't matter if we're joyful, ecstatic and overwhelmed by the kindness of our friends.  Some days are up and some days are down but the one truth we can walk away with is that no matter HOW we feel, the clock keeps ticking and the calendar keeps moving us on toward our inevitable fates.

So Monday came early.  I was wide awake at 5:30 a.m.  And, for the first time in recent memory, I woke up dancing.

My dancin' feet

I rolled over and instead of reaching for my television remote to turn on the news of the day, I hit the music button on my iPhone and let fate decide what would play.   To my delight, it was an oft-listened to song by Marie and the redCat called "Beautiful Day."  It's a swingin' kind of happy song.  I collapsed back on my pillows with a huge grin and started moving my feet in time to the music.

I let the dogs out, made my coffee and fed all the animals with a big smile on my face.  Life happens around us.  Even if we're sick.  Even if we're sad.  Even if we think that we are all alone in this world.  Life happens around us.

I went back upstairs and danced through my shower to "Prisoner" by Needtobreathe and then "Little Red Corvette" by Prince.

While I was ironing my clothes, I sang and danced to "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" by Will Smith.  Who WOULDN'T dance to that song?

On your mark ready set let's go
Dance floor pro I know you know
I go psycho when my new joint hit
Just can't sit
Gotta get jiggy wit it
Ooh that's it
Now honey honey come ride
DKNY all up in my eye
You gotta Prada bag with alotta stuff in it
Give it to your friend let's spin

Ironing.  And dancing.  It's a combination that you should definitely try when the mood next strikes.

Life happens.  People leave you.  People misunderstand you.  People can't figure out how to love you the way you need to be loved. And sometimes they don't really care to try.  But life still happens. 

Every day is a new opportunity to live your best life.  Every day is a brand new chance to love like you should, laugh like you love life and tell your truths as you see them.  It doesn't matter how bad Sunday was and it shouldn't matter that Monday is the start of something you'd rather not do.  If you keep letting these moments slip by then your whole life will be over and you'll wonder how you spent your time.  You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

And, if I have my druthers, those feet are dancin' feet.  I choose joy.

If you like my blog, share it.  Or Like my FB page to get updates.  Or subscribe to the e-mail list.  Or make a comment below.  If you don't like it, well...just try not to hurt my feelings.  I'm sensitive.     



  

Celebrating Me. And You.

“I will not be "famous," "great." I will go on adventuring, changing, opening my mind and my eyes, refusing to be stamped and stereotyped. The thing is to free one's self: to let it find its dimensions, not be impeded.”
                                                                                               ― Virginia Woolf

Every now and again, I have to remind myself that I'm awesome.  I start feeling "blah" or "you know" and I can't seem to pull myself out of whatever funk I'm in.  But here's the thing:  There's only one of me (can I get an "amen?") in this world.  I carry ALL the weight of "being Kelly."  For all of the eternity, there will only be one of me.  And I only get this ONE CHANCE...this ONE LIFE...to make it count. 

I KNOW I am not the only one out there who fills up the glasses for my one-person pity party.  I put on my own personal self-flagellation frock and begin:  "I'm not thin enough/smart enough/funny enough/calm enough/even-tempered enough.." and it goes on and on until I can't stand the sound of my own thoughts.  You've been there, right? 

So, tonight, I'm celebrating my own awesomeness.  And you can read or you can ignore it.  But I'm gettin' it out there.  And you are free to disagree.  Or, better yet, you can tell me what's awesome about YOU (because, quite honestly, I am ALL ABOUT celebrating other people).

1. I am not afraid of bugs. Well, mostly.  I don't get all screamy and squeamish when a bug is in the house. I just quietly and expediently usher it outside (because I am also not a murderer, which is kind of a BONUS praise here).
2. I can laugh about most things.  Except if you're not funny.  (Believe me, it's not that I didn't get your "joke."  It's just that your "joke" wasn't funny.)  But funny things?  I TOTALLY laugh about them.  Sometimes I even inappropriately laugh at things that really shouldn't be funny.
3. I like dogs.  I don't know why this is a self-esteem booster, but it sure feels like one tonight.  Dogs like me, too.  That's actually a bigger self-esteem booster.  You HAVE to be cool if dogs like you.
4. I never shoot people.  This is MOSTLY because I don't own a gun.  If I DID own a gun there would probably be quite a few people in danger.  Mostly people who cut in line, who drive too slow in the passing lane and people who call other people "stupid."  (I can call people "stupid" but ONLY internally which is perfectly acceptable.) 
5. I embrace change.  That's a really good thing because some pretty big changes are on the way.  I read a book last week THREE TIMES that spurred a veritable revolution in my head.  The changes rolled right in.  And I am excited.
6. I accept my own glorious messiness.  I KNOW I'm a train wreck. I don't hide it.  It's all over me...and my car...and my clothes...and perhaps YOUR clothes. Internally AND externally I am profoundly, beautifully flawed.
7. I only double-dip when I'm alone.  When I'm out in public, I use my very best manners.  This includes using my internal voice most of the time.  If you've heard some of the things I actually SAY (out loud) then you would be horrified at the things I'm THINKING.  Therefore, I leave double-dipping and stream-of-consciousness talking to my solitary evenings.
8. I view my life as a movie.  I often drive around narrating my own day in my head (or, sometimes I do it out loud...depends on the day).  "She drove slowly through the crowded street, wishing that she could see inside the heads of the people gathered to see the parade..."  I have no idea why I do this but it's a totally fun thing to do.  You should try it if you don't do it already.
9. I sing and dance in my house.  All the time.  The singing isn't always melodic and the dancing is almost never graceful but the FEELING that I get from it carries me through every single day.
10. I believe in feelings.  I am an intensely emotional person.  I blame it on my Irish lineage.  Or the wine.  (Can you have one without the other?)  I cry almost every day.  And I laugh even more than I cry.  It's a roller coaster...but I sure do love the ride.

Go on.  You can tell me.  Why are YOU awesome?

If you like my blog, share it.  Or Like my FB page to get updates.  Or subscribe to the e-mail list.  Or make a comment below.  If you don't like it, well...just try not to hurt my feelings.  I'm sensitive.