Sunday, March 24, 2013

My Stupid Life Requires a Smartphone

“We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks. That's what connects us--that we're all broken, all beautifully imperfect.”
― Emilio Estevez

(Before I begin this, who KNEW that Emilio Estevez was so deep??  Apparently HE is why The Breakfast Club was such a phenomenal success.  Way to go, Emilio!)

When Henry David Thoreau went to the woods, he did so by choice.  He wanted to experience a disconnectedness with the world of people and a new awareness of himself and nature.

I was thrust into the woods by my own clumsiness.  So. Very. Different.

I have been without a phone now for about 24 hours.  I am assuming that, like cigarette smoking, the harmful effects of my cell usage are now leaving my body and I'm experiencing the worst of withdrawal.  If you see me around town curled up in a corner, talking to myself and drooling, just keep walking.  I'm certain the side effects will pass soon.

It's my own fault that I'm walking around so completely disconnected from the world.  I DROPPED my iPhone (OK, and it's NOT like it was the first time I'd dropped it) and the screen shattered.  And because I'm like a freakish character in some film noir series, I'm really odd about things like "being shafted by those darn insurance companies."  (Insert picture of crazy-haired woman shaking her fist at insurance companies.) I think it's a matter of PRINCIPLE that the cell phone company wants to CHARGE ME $159.64 (NOT $160...I was corrected by the snottily helpful customer service rep) to replace the phone I've had when they give away THIS SAME MODEL FOR FREE every day.  And it's not like MINE was free.  I had to pay for it because I bought it just after the latest model came out.  So, I feel like they're taking advantage of me when, in fact, they're just doing what companies do:  shafting the little guy/girl/clumsy freak.

My repair kit off the internet.
Anyway, I did some research and found this awesome little repair kit on the internet.  You know you can find just about anything on the internet, right?  I mean it.  People sell EVERYTHING.  But I digress...that is another blog post altogether.  I bought it for $5 and, when it arrived on Friday, I sat down to embark on a three-hour adventure of taking the phone apart.

You know what happened to Gilligan and friends on the three hour tour, right?  They were LOST ON THAT ISLAND FOR A BAJILLION YEARS.

Granted, the guy on the YouTube video with the calm voice took only 15 minutes to dismantle HIS iPhone.  But his voice was so calm and soothing. Looking back, the guy had to be on some sort of mood-altering drug because no one could be that calm with THAT MANY microscopic screws.  I did need his calming voice after I got the shakes about an hour into the process from my own frustration and lack of any technical skills whatsoever. 

Oh, did I mention that?  I am completely inept when it comes to repairing anything.  I once tried to repair a blow dryer and, after I removed the cover, I stared into the conglomeration of screws and wires and metal thingies.  I touched ONE THING and the entire innards of the dryer vomited all over me.  I looked around (even though I was in my bedroom alone, I thought there might be hidden cameras) and quickly shoved the carcass into a garbage can.  Unfortunately, the hair dryer probably never even NEEDED to be repaired.  When I went to plug in ANOTHER hair dryer, it DIDN'T WORK EITHER.  I'm sorry to say that my stupid first reaction was "WHAT are the ODDS that BOTH hair dryers broke ON THE SAME DAY?"  before I realized that the outlet wasn't working properly.

So, not only am I inept but I am also completely oblivious much of the time.

Regardless, by the time I finally finished dismantling my phone, I was left with a gooey, shattered screen and a conglomeration of parts that made me feel like crying.

So I caved.

My new phone will arrive on Monday.  Until then, I am out in the world completely disconnected save for the the internet connection and Netflix on the TV.  I find that I MISS those beeps that tell me I've gotten a text message.  I miss the weight of that little guy in my pocket.  I went out last night and could have sworn I could feel it vibrating in my purse. 

No man is an island.  But a Kelly certainly can be.

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