Friday, March 22, 2013

Why Women Go Nuts (Or, Saga of a Pscyho-Ex-Girlfriend)

“You have no idea how crazy I am, I should be wearing yellow Caution tape, I'm that bonkers.”
― Robin Benway

Yes, I admit it.  Tonight I fell into a trap.

I have this on-again, off-again tumultuous relationship that is on-again, off-again for reasons I won't go into publicly.  Suffice it to say that neither one of us is fit for the other.  But we have kept at it...over and over again we hammer at it because we just can't seem to stay away from each other.  Apparently it's a kill-or-be-killed kind of relationship.

It's currently off.  Again. (For reasons which I won't go into publicly because, after all, deep down I AM a nice person in spite of being completely off my rocker when it comes to this Man.)

So, earlier tonight, I decided something.  I was going to tell him why he had hurt me and how he had hurt me and why that was a bad thing and how I just can't keep putting up with this anymore and this is absolutely nuts but obviously it's my fault because I keep putting up with it and I guess you just don't even CARE, do you?  (Breath) 

I should have this warning system installed somewhere on my body.  When my blood pressure starts rising and my eyes start rolling around in the back of my head, I should have an ALARM that goes off like a First-Alert-System.  Maybe it would stop me in my tracks and make me breathe for about 10 minutes BEFORE I turn into Psycho-Ex-Girlfriend.

Now, obviously Man is not drawn to Psycho-Ex-Girlfriend.  As a matter of fact, Man would rather jump off the nearest bridge naked into a pit of lava rather than deal with Psycho-Ex-Girlfriend.  I mean, a sobbing, whining mess IS, granted, TERRIBLY attractive, but the Man just prefers to smile politely and edge away without turning his back when Psycho-Ex-Girlfriend is anywhere in the vicinity.

I worried for a while that it was only me who does these kinds of things.  But then I started talking to more women and realized that this is not at ALL uncommon.  We freak out on boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, bosses, husbands, ex-husbands and sometimes even that kid who helps us out at the local discount supercenter.  Sometimes, we just freak out.  And as the words are coming out of our mouths or flying off the tips of our fingers into a text, we KNOW we're acting crazy.

And. We. Just. Can't. Stop.

Maybe it's estrogen.  Maybe it's just that we are emotionally-driven creatures.  Or maybe it really is that sometimes we step over that line into CrazyTown and all bets are off.

I have some theories, though, that might explain why we women edge over the deep end when we feel wronged in a relationship:

  1. Listing your faults is like a hobby for us.  It takes all the attention off our obsession with our growing waistlines or our worries that our middle child is being picked on in health class.  It makes us forget our flaws for a minute when we're laser-focused in on your latest screw-up (and, honestly, all the screw-ups you've ever had SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME).
  2. You call us we'll EARN it.  Remember all those times you rolled your eyes and told us we were nuts?  Yeah, we'll SHOW YOU NUTS.
  3. We are tired.  We women are exhausted most of the time.  You have no idea how much EFFORT it takes to be the woman behind the man.  We make sure that things run so seamlessly that you have no idea how much we're doing behind the scenes.  Honestly, every house on your street is a facade being held up by a woman.  Truth.
  4. Sometimes, we want you to be like our girlfriends.  Sometimes, we really do want you to just say "oh, what YOU need is a good cry!"  and wrap us up in those manly man arms of yours and let us do just that.  (Hint:  We might feel like crying a lot less and *wink, wink* you know what I mean...)
  5. You're kinda mean.  Yeah, you cut us off when we're trying to tell you something.  You dominate the remote control.  You attempt to solve our problems without really listening to what the problem is in the first place.  Who wouldn't go crazy?

So, I feel bad about sending those 10 texts and leaving those three voicemails. He'll delete them all without reading them or listening to them because he HONESTLY couldn't care less when I am emotional.  I can hardly blame him (for THAT, anyway).   He much prefers Fun Kelly over Psycho-Ex-Girlfriend. 

And THAT, friends, is the roller coaster that is my life.

(Author's note:  No children are harmed in the course of this obviously dysfunctional relationship.   With the exception of a few meals here and there, all On-Again, Off-Again "fun"
is conducted outside the bounds of the core unit family.)

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