Monday, June 10, 2013

I'm Now in the Business of Arranging Marriages

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

A fellow mom friend and I have decided to arrange the union of our offspring.  My (very funny and extremely fabulous) friend and I think that her eldest daughter and my youngest son would make a great match.  (Note:  My Fab Friend gave me permission to blog about her so...I'm totally running with it.)

My little Work in Progress
Her daughter is amazing.  She's gorgeous and smart and funny and she won more awards in the 5th grade graduation than any other fifth grader.  I think they were still calling out awards after she'd walked across the stage and sat down.  My Fab Friend and I think that Thing 2 and Gorgeous Girl would make pretty, smart babies and so we've set out to wed them when they've sown their hopefully-not-so-wild oats and established themselves in their careers.  Maybe just after they turn 30.

That's not so weird, right?  I mean, we KNOW what's good for our kids.  And, Gorgeous Girl is completely wonderful already and we all know that girls like to change people so she would accept Thing 2 as a work in progress graciously, I feel sure of it.  Besides, her mom and I would TOTALLY get along as in-laws and would surely throw an incredible wedding that WE would certainly enjoy.  After that, they're on their own.  After all, we did the HARD work and picked their mates for them.  Duh.

There are plenty of good reasons to arrange the marriages for our children:

  • 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway, so obviously it's a crap-shoot from the start.
  • We can already see that their genetic make-up would blend very nicely.  Who needs judgment clouded by silly things like love?
  • They're friends already.  In about 15 years, they'll realize that being friends is really important in marriages anyway.
  • If they get married, I know I'll always have access to my Fab Friend's makeup bag.  (That statement is FAR funnier than you know.)
  • If we arrange the marriage, we probably already LIKE our future daughter- or son-in-law.  That's a huge bonus in my book because most people drive me nuts.
  • We are assured that they'll always return home for holidays because their parents live within 10 miles of each other. 
 We haven't yet starting planning the nuptial celebration but we've planted the seed in our offsprings' minds.  Neither of them seemed particularly perturbed by the idea.  Granted, I imagine they both consider their mothers about half nuts anyway so they probably think we'll move on to some other hare-brained scheme before long.

They'll spend middle school years apart.  We'll plot the high school reunion meeting later.  I can picture it now....their eyes will meet across the crowded gym floor with the thumping lyrics of "If You Leave" playing in the background.  She will shyly glance at the floor while he makes his way over to ask her to dance....or maybe that's a Molly Ringwald movie I'm thinking of.

Regardless, it's nice to know that the future of one of my children is settled.  Phew.  That was WAY easier than I'd imagined.  Now, to work on Thing 1....

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1 comment:

  1. I cannot make any comment on this love match but you sure have Thing 2's love life sorted. Dare I say I hope your dream comes true. Has Thing 2 had any input or comment to make about his life plan for the next 20 years??