"I'm a single parent. What's your superpower?"
--From a bumper sticker
It's after 4:30 a.m. on a Tuesday morning. I've been awake since just after 3 a.m. but I decided that it would behoove me to toss and turn for more than an hour. 3 a.m. to 5 a.m. sleep is often elusive. My doctor told me a few years ago to cut the caffeine but who can LIVE without caffeine? I woke up thinking about the gazillion things that have to be done here in the last week of school and my brain exploded into about 5 million tiny to-do lists that forced me down to the kitchen for what?? Oh, that's right...more caffeine.
|Destined for a life of fuzzy slippers and misshapen housedresses|
So, yeah, I know it's my fault that I ended up here. And now, as I tell my children all the time about life, I have to deal with the consequences.
On any given day, I:
- get the kids up, lunches made, out the door (one in the car, one on the bus)
- feed the dogs and the cat
- buy groceries
- pay the household bills
- worry about the gutters that need cleaning and the wood that is rotting on my house
- mow the lawn
- make dinner
- clean up after dinner
- think about what's for dinner tomorrow night
- worry about that light on my car's dashboard that keeps coming on
- think about when I need to change the car's oil
- worry about trying to figure out what NEW car I need and, even better, how to pay for it
- go to work and try not to focus on what needs to be done at HOME so I can get my stuff at WORK finished
- figure out summer camp schedules/plans
- wonder if I will be able to take a REAL vacation again...ever
- worry about how my kids are suffering in their broken family lives
So, I make bargains with myself. OK, if I can get dinner made and the kids started on homework BEFORE 7:30 p.m., then I can take a walk. Or, if I get three loads of laundry done today (which requires one load going in first thing in the morning and the second load started at lunch), then I can watch 30 minutes of the Gilmore Girls before bed.
I realize that moms who are married are ridiculously busy and overwhelmed, too. I know all about that. But, here's the thing: at the end of the day, you have someone to look over at (in loathing or in love) and say, "MAN, today SUCKED, didn't it?" And you have someone there who loves those little hoodlums just as much as you do. And you have someone there who can say, "Screw the laundry, let's watch the whole first season of 24!" And, somehow, just having that other person there makes all the crap a little easier to deal with. All I have is a mirror. And that mirror is often so harsh and judgmental. Crappy mirrors. Remind me to add "get rid of mirrors" to my to-do list.
OK, fine. I'm having a little pity party. Mostly because it's 5:00 a.m. and the last week of school and I have so many undone things on my list that really must be done and I'm TIRED. And there are things that WON'T get done and I'll feel guilty about them for the next three months until the new list of Things to Feel Guilty About overwhelms the current list and I forget all about the transgressions of early 2013 because they've been replaced b the NEW transgressions.
Endless, vicious, single mom guilt circles.
I've vented enough for today. But it's too late to go back to sleep. Guess I'll start some laundry. Maybe scrub some floors. WHERE is that to-do list???
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