Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Dear George Clooney

“You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not.”
― Jodi Picoult

Dear George Clooney,

So, it's all over the headlines.  You've broken up with your latest super-hot girlfriend 20 or 30 years your junior.  Or did she break up with you?  I didn't get that straight in the snippet I got from Entertainment Tonight last night.  Regardless, you are now ON THE MARKET.  Just thought you'd like to know that I'm single, too.  Coinky-dink?  I think not.

I'm a REAL CATCH, George.
See, George, here's the thing: I think it's time you experienced a REAL woman.  Sure, you can argue that because you're a super-hot, super-wealthy, incredibly talented bachelor, you can have any woman in the world so why BOTHER choosing a real woman.  That would be ONE argument.

The other side of the coin, though, is all about what you're looking for.  I mean, you MIGHT be looking for someone just to have on your arm so that everyone looks at you and thinks, "Damn!  How do two such super-hot people not just burst into flames when they look at each other?"  I mean, if all you're looking for is someone hot and nubile to spend your time with then, by all means, continue to date these gorgeous women who want nothing more than your money and a position in the sidecar when you jet around the world.  

BUT, if you want something with a little more SUBSTANCE, then I suggest you give me a call.  Sure, I'm a little messy.  Maybe a little lazy sometimes.  I DO eat real food.  My diet consists of more than a few carrot sticks and an Ensure shake to provide nutrients.  Of course, that shows in my thighs...but, no matter.  We all look the same in the dark, right George?  

I can be a little demanding.  I'll need you to bring home some extra half-n-half for my coffee, if that's all right.  And, oh, there are these two kids who live in my house.  They can be a little loud and demanding as well.  But, if you'll just buy them a few video games, I'm sure they won't get in the way.  Here's the good news:  I don't want to have any MORE kids.  I heard that was an issue in your last relationship.

I have a job, which will cut into our travel schedule a little.  But I get three WEEKS of vacation...so, that should be plenty of time for that little Italian getaway.  

Oh, and I don't really wake up pretty.  I mean, my hair is a little crazy and I walk like I'm about a hundred years old immediately upon waking.  These old joints just don't respond as well as they used to.  But, in no time, my hobble increases to a slow crawl.  You'll get used to it after a while.

Bonus news:  my hair isn't gray.  Yet.  Yours is...but I don't mind, George, because you're a guy.  A super-hot, super-wealthy, super-talented guy.  I can overlook your grays, George.  That's just how generous I am.

I'm sure we can take care of that extra little jiggle I have when I walk the red carpet with you.  Spanx are perfect for that kind of thing and I already own some in nude AND in black.  So...we're totally covered there.  My vocabulary MIGHT be a little larger than what you're used to but we'll get you a Scrabble board and start practicing right away.  I don't want to be bored on all of these nights we'll be spending together, George.

So, listen.  I'll just be waiting for your call.  Text is OK, too, because I DO have a job.  I'm really excited about our future together.  I know you are, too.  

With love,
Your future amour

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