Sunday, July 7, 2013

Why I Will Never Win a Beauty Pageant

“Give me the discipline to get rid of the stuff that's not important, the freedom to savor the stuff that gives me joy, and the patience not to worry about the stuff that's messy but not hurting anybody.”
― Vinita Hampton Wright

OK, so even if they HAVE beauty pageants for really old people on the back nine of life, I can NEVER, EVER win.  This is NOT because I do not have the perfectly crafted answer to the question "What is the biggest problem our planet faces?" because I totally do (lack of good coffee, duh) but it is because of my car.

A rare picture.  It was someone else.
You may have seen my car.  It's a nondescript bluish-greenish color with filthy, filthy wheels.  Well, OK, the FRONT wheels are filthy because the most brake dust is generated in the front.  The BACK wheels are just kinda dirty.  I haven't washed my car in...well, I can't actually REMEMBER the last time I washed it but I truly am grateful for all this rain we've been having because it totally rinses the grime off.

Beauty pageant contestants are well known for their poise, their grace and the cleanliness of their cars.  This is a little known fact but I am almost CERTAIN that beauty pageant winners do not make left turns accompanied by the music of half-full water bottles being crunched under the weight of the Goodwill box that was meant to be dropped off two weeks ago. 

I am currently missing three pairs of reading glasses.  I found ONE pair earlier tonight wedged between the right side of my driver's seat and the center console housing the emergency brake.  They weren't mangled beyond repair and are resting comfortably on the end of my nose as I type this.  Success!  Note:  Beauty pageant contestants also do not wear reading glasses.  (I am not so elitist as to claim they don't READ but, you know, if the shoe fits..)

I just realized about five minutes ago that last night's pizza boxes (complete with at least two or three slices of actual pizza) are still in my trunk. Oops.  The BIG deal is that the four bag chairs that were absolutely drenched in the latest monsoon are still neatly folded in there as well.  Probably developing mildew as we speak.  That'll make for a nice smell in the morning...

Any time I turn a corner, I wait for the sound of shifting items.  I should probably belt in some of the larger items simply for safety reasons.  MOST of the stuff in my car is not actually trash (although I did see some french fries in the back seat yesterday...I'm assuming the boys are saving those for a day when I forget to feed them). Most of the stuff is just...stuff.  Shirts.  Socks. Pens.  Books.  Notebooks.  CDs.  Water bottles (all half-full...none of them are empty...which is weird).  Yo-yos.  (I counted a few days ago.  There are three.)

One would think that I would simply...clean it out.  But, something always distracts me.  As soon as I get in the house from the garage my mind immediately flits to...anything else.  But I suppose I need to do something about that pizza and those chairs pretty quickly...maybe even tonight.

So, Beauty Pageant Organizers, just don't call me.  It's not even just that I would be mortified over the swimsuit competition (not because of my fat butt...more because of my lily-white, blue-veined legs) but it's that you won't be able to do the car close-up.  I just can't hang.

It's getting late.  I'll think about cleaning it tomorrow.  Tomorrow IS another day...

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