Friday, August 2, 2013

What is Your Perfect Job?

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
― Confucius

While scarfing gazpacho a few minutes ago, I decided to let fate decide what my perfect job should be since I obviously don't have a firm grasp on it.  I went to and punched in "My perfect job" and then selected Greensboro, NC.

My first result looked promising:  Evaluations Coordinator.  Since I am ALL ABOUT telling people what they're doing wrong and how to fix it, I thought this might actually be it.  At first glance, I was everything they were looking for: engaged (well, I'm SINGLE...but you know...surely they won't discriminate); motivated (if there's chocolate, I will come!); team oriented (I am all about others); and, finally, cool and calm.  They mentioned putting out fires and bailing water under the cool and calm section, so...that's when the date started going bad.  I mean, do I want to be a firefighter or a sailor? No, probably not for me.  They did NOT want someone with a propensity for stating "That's not my job," so, I really was a perfect fit there because I am NOTHING if not a "yes man" or "yes woman" (whatever floats your boat).

Moving on.  I searched in Winston-Salem and found this sketchy listing:  Overnite Sitter.  Dude?  Really?  You want me to come sleep in your house and watch your kid while you "work" overnight?  How is this my perfect job?  You want a WIFE, not me.

Since my "perfect job" is obviously not anywhere near my area, I opened it up to all of the US.  I think I may have found some terrific opportunities for a chick like me:

  • Reliable transcribers with perfect English.  My English is pretty good but my sarcasm MIGHT get in the way.
  • Someone in Portland is looking for a Perfect House Cleaner and Helper. Perfect?  Nothin' like high are OBVIOUSLY going to be a gem to work for.
  • I loved this one:  How are you with a light saber?  You could be a perfect fit for our family!  Unfortunately, it's in CA but I have to tell you I am bangin' with a light saber.  I even do the sound effects.  Are relocation costs included?
  • Perfect Nanny Needed.  Try looking for a listing under "Mary Poppins."  I hear she's practically perfect in every way.  Again.  Perfect?  Really?
  • This is from a REAL planner and optimist:  Amazing Dog Walker Needed for my Future Dog.  WHAT?  Dude, you don't even HAVE A DOG YET and you're looking for a dog walker?  You're akin to the women who buy their wedding dresses with no groom in sight and the people who purchase their burial plots at 25.  There IS such a thing as being too prepared.  I am so not the right one for this job because I would mock you to your face.  And you need that, sir.  You really do.
  • This one is from a real positive thinker:  Customer Engagement Specialist.  Please note that the same ad was listed under Food Cart Specialist so they totally put a positive spin on the whole schlepping hot dogs and roasted peanuts gig.  They're located in Seattle and want someone to help them "spread health and happiness."  Since they're "uber-committed" they don't want just any old schmo.  I really want to call these people and find out just how much caffeine they're snorting (yes, has to be going straight to their bloodstream).
  • Someone in Woodstock, GA is looking for a Lead Collision Technician.  Does this mean they want someone to CRASH STUFF?  'Cause I could be SO into that...
None of the above seemed really RIGHT for me.  I finally found it, though, buried several pages into my search.

Do you dream of a job with a flexible schedule, fun co-workers, a healthy environment and products you can be proud of? 

Yes, yes, yes and YES!

They then listed testimonials from their employees about all the fun they have at work.  They talked about zero stress levels and how EVEN the TAP WATER was delicious.  I was practically salivating.  And then I saw the name:  Kick Butt Coffee Music & Booze.  

I've found it.  My perfect job.  Until someone comes along with a travel writer position, it looks like I'm moving to Austin.

What is YOUR perfect job?

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  1. I've got your perfect job, Kelly: you need to be an operations consultant. It's what I was doing for about four years before my complete and total change of direction last year.

    Basically, people would call me and say, "We have a problem." I would go in, ask what the problem was (they usually only THOUGHT they knew what the problem was), and then I would watch people work, ask a few questions, and come up with a solution.

    I would sit in a room, and say, "You're currently at point A, and you want to go point B. This is how you do it." Then people would hand me a check. Sometimes I'd never hear from them again, but most of the time, they would hand me more checks to guide them on the journey from point A to point B. Success would depend upon how closely they adhered to the plan I had set out.

    It's great - you get to choose your clients, tell them what they're doing wrong, name your price (which goes up the more you do it), and travel all over the place (between January and July of 2012, I was in San Diego, Boston, Berlin, and London multiple times each).

    I think that's it - Consulting. Always remember: If you can't be the full solution, there's GREAT money to be made in prolonging the problem.

    1. How much would you charge me to license that last line as a tagline? I wouldn't exactly be a consultant...but more of a guru TO consultants.

      Kelly Tilyard, Consultant Advisor: Coaching others to prolong the problem since 2013.

    2. BTW, that's an exceptional gig you had going on there. And instead you decided to CHANGE LIVES by being a doctor? You traded money and travel for med school?