Crack Pipes, Spaghetti Tongs and Dirty Feet

“With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.”
                        ― William Shakespeare

WARNING:  THIS post contains bad language and some pretty adult concepts.  I am WARNING you now that you may not want to read this.  Seriously.  If you're the kind of person who never slips up and uses the "f-word" (I admit, I do sometimes use it...because sometimes it's fun to say) then you probably want to shy away from this post.  Seriously.  Try this one instead:  My Ex-Husband is So Lucky to Have Me . Or you could try THIS one (it's so much kinder, gentler):  Best Day Ever. But DON'T read this and then tell me that you're horrified by what I said because, while I think it's very, very funny, it's not for everyone.  You've been warned.

I was in a group of people the other day (and I am not going to divulge ANY information about the group to protect privacy) and enjoyed myself SO terribly much.  These people were HILARIOUS.  Well, ONE in particular was truly hysterically funny but everyone there put in a quip or two (at JUST THE RIGHT MOMENTS...you know what the key to comedy is?  Timing!) to punctuate her stories.

Let me set the scene.  Seven of us were gathered around the table in a kitchen.  We had finished most of our discussions and were simply chatting with our glasses of wine.  One of the women there works in a field where she has the "opportunity" to come in contact with some pretty shady stuff.   I don't even know HOW the conversation got started but I began writing things down when she talked about viewing criminal evidence laid out on a table.  She said (and I quote):

Please, God, I hope that crack pipe didn't come from someone's vagina.  

And THAT'S when the date got funny.  Nothing gets my attention faster than the words "crack pipe" and "vagina" together in one sentence.  It appears that criminals (well, FEMALE criminals) will often shove crack rocks in various containers into their nether regions to more easily (?) transport and/or hide the aforementioned illegal drugs.

I don't think most of us KNOW these things.  And, I am somewhat ashamed to admit, I was FASCINATED.  I have to tell you, we were ALL pretty aghast when she mentioned that SOMETIMES they use the mini Altoid tins.  Can you say "ouch?"  Somehow, I don't think the Altoid folks are mentioning this use in their marketing collateral.

She then went on to tell a story about one female who had used spaghetti tongs to remove drugs from another female's..uh...hoo hah and the ONE question my new friend had was:  WHAT IN THE F*** HAPPENED TO THE SPAGHETTI TONGS?  The tongs were NOT included in the evidence.  I think the question is totally valid.  I mean, is the XYZ family USING these tongs to actually SERVE SPAGHETTI?  Are these tongs just hanging out in someone's kitchen drawer or are they SPECIALLY marked "vagina tongs" and, therefore, relegated to some other drawer?  How were these tongs CLEANED after use?  All legitimate questions, frankly.

She then went on to tell a (pretty sad if you think about it) story about two men and a woman in a dirty motel room.  I won't add some of the less savory details (believe me when I tell you that THESE details I AM sharing were not even the worst part) for privacy's sake but her comment after seeing the pictures from this motel room didn't involve the ACTS that she saw in the pictures but what she focused on were the FEET.

"There's [this man] laying on the bed and you see nothin' but [this woman] bending over him [performing an action].  And all I could focus on was the fact that his FEET were the COLOR of HER SHIRT [she points to a black shirt].  Now, WHAT'S the FIRST THING that hits a wet shower floor?  That's right...YOUR FEET.  His feet were BLACK.  The COLOR OF THAT SHIRT.  Now if his FEET were THAT DIRTY, can you IMAGINE how dirty THE REST OF HIM was?"

I swear this woman could perform a stand-up act that would have the whole room convulsing in laughter.  Her timing and her perspective on these terrible things that she has seen are phenomenal.  That's probably why she's able to work in her field...because she can look through the horrors and the sadness that she sees and...well...she finds the funny.  And she can help OTHER people find the funny.

And that's the thing: I ADMIRE her sense of humor about these awful things that she sees.  I think we often pretend that life isn't messy.  But, for some especially, life can be downright disgusting.  The things people do to themselves and to each other are reprehensible.  By applying a completely fresh perspective, she takes these terrible things and makes them something she can live with.  In an odd way, she brings a certain grace to it.

I am so happy I met her. 

And I cannot WAIT to hear what she comes up with next...

If you like my blog, share it.  Or Like my FB page to get updates.  Or subscribe to the e-mail list.  Or make a comment below.  If you don't like it, well...just try not to hurt my feelings.  I'm sensitive.