Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I need a personal advice columnist

“We were very different, and we disagreed about a lot of things, but he was always so interesting, you know?”
                                                                                                 ― John Green

Dear Perfectly Coiffed Advice Columnist:

My extremely conservative, outspoken On-Again Boyfriend is intent on spreading his conservative wisdom to all who will listen (and to those that never will).  I am a fairly liberal outspoken person myself and we tend to clash on a variety of social issues.  He is NOT going to change his views and I'm pretty dug in on my side of the fence as well. I would love to keep ALL my friends AND my relationship intact but I just don't know if he can keep his mouth shut long enough for them to realize that he's a very good (if somewhat misguided) person.

How on earth are we ever going to get along if we don't introduce duct tape into our relationship?

                                               -- Liberally Frustrated

Dear Stupid:

You AREN'T ever going to get along, honey.  The two of you are like the Hatfields and McCoys and neither one of you is going to be satisfied until blood is shed.  Ain't love grand?

Seriously, though.  You're just going to have to accept that this red-blooded male makes your blue blood boil.  Sometimes a little spice makes everything twice as nice (I made that up just now...just for you).  Besides, maybe somewhere down the long road of life, you'll realize that you have more in common that you might guess right now.  MAYBE you'll be right about some things and figure out that HE is right about some things as well.  Life isn't set in stone.

Here's the thing, my dumb little chickie:  You have to ask yourself where this man's HEART is?  To get to the heart of that question (pun most assuredly intended), take him to a restaurant with a VERY SLOW server.  Observe the Man in Question as he relates to the server.  Is he kind and patient?  Or is he rude and condescending?  If the answer is the latter, darlin', hitch your bloomers to another star.  If it's the former, I'd just say that what you have on your hands is a James Carville/Mary Matalin situation if I've ever seen one. Those two have been married FOREVER in spite of their heated differences.  If they can make it work, you almost certainly can.  You might want to enlist a couples counselor NOW before you go any further, though, just to curb any homicidal tendencies either of you may have.

Just remember this, duckie:  You can't change him.  And the only way he's going to change YOU is to overpower you with his deeper voice and the constant barrage of "facts" at his disposal.  You have to stay true to yourself, listen to your heart and hope that love will carry you through with your dignity (and your beliefs) intact.

Good luck.  And if you absolutely need to use the duct tape, try and get a roll that won't irritate his sensitive conservative mouth.

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1 comment:

  1. The "waitress/waiter test" is always a great benchmark. Also, do you agree on how much to tip?? Emily