Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I will hit you with my cane

“Olivia was moody. Moody wasn't a word with which she was very familiar, but if it meant that her moods swung back and forth for no reason at all, and that she felt crabby and wanted to be alone more often than she felt content and friendly, and that she was often tempted to slam her bedroom door - preferably in someone's face - well, then, moody described perfectly the way she'd been feeling lately.”
― Ann M. Martin

Sometimes I'm CRABBY.

There, I said it.  (It felt pretty good...so I'll go on...)

Sometimes I want to pick up entire reams of paper and CHEW on them.  Sometimes I want to kick people in the leg and sometimes I want to stomp my feet and pull my hair.  I want to climb up on a ladder and JUMP from it into a big pile of rocks which will magically explode when my feet hit them.  I want to hurl insults and gnash my teeth and grollop and groil and gringerinchinate.   (OK, I made up those last three words but they just rolled off the tips of my fingers.  They felt GOOD to type!)

Now I'm laughing.

Obviously, I'm a moody bitch.

I'm happy often enough (or at least put on a happy FACE often enough) that acquaintances often think I'm never down or depressed or mad.  The truth is I am often riding a roller coaster of emotions.  No, I'm not medicated.  I kinda like the twists and turns and highs and lows.  I'm just not EVEN TEMPERED.  I don't know if it's because I'm a woman or if it's because I'm insane, but I just can't ever seem to find that weird place of "nothing really bothers me and I'm always just mostly neither happy nor sad." I am happy.  And I am sad.  And I am angry.  And I am pleased.  I have a whole gamut of emotions that I run through just about every single day.  No WONDER I'm exhausted all the dang time.

So, the last couple days have been crabby days.  I'm irritated by everything and everyone around me.  I'm second-guessing every decision I've made in the last...oh...42 years.  I'm like a irascible old woman in a rocking chair just itching to whack someone with her cane.

This is all very, very good.

The good news is that I understand that I'm crabby.  For the most part, I'm staying away from people (sorry Things 1 and 2, Sparky and Charlie..you're all stuck with me) and I know that the mood will pass and everything will be rainbows and flippin' unicorns by tomorrow.  I've embraced this bitchy mood today and have used it to complain (on paper) about everything that's wrong with my life.  In an effort to climb out of the pit I've dug for myself, I ALSO listed the many, many ways I'm blessed and was terribly relieved that the Good List was about four times as long as the Bad List.  (When I'm crabby, sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees.) 

So, I'm in a hole.  I'm hiding out and keeping my thoughts mostly to myself until the clouds pass and the sunny side comes out again.  It's a quiet place, this hole.  And I find that I miss people.  So, I start to reach out a finger...or send out a blog....to somehow feel CONNECTED again.  And I know that the connectivity will bring out my joy again and that old woman will go back inside and wait for the next crabby day to come out with her cane. 

If you're ever crabby like this and find yourself in a hole, there ARE a few tricks of the trade I've learned along the way that seem to help me fight, fight, fight the Crabby side of Kelly.

  1. I listen to fun music REALLY LOUD.  I'm talking stupid music like "Let's Hear it for the Boy."  OK, wait...let me go to my ACTUAL iTunes playlist for days like this.  Ready?  Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional. You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC. Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe.  Smile by Uncle Kracker. Defying Gravity from Wicked. Mouth by Merrill Bainbridge.  Gettin' Jiggy Wit It by Will Smith (oh, yes, it's there).  Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson.  I Need by Meredith Brooks.  I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas.  Fight Like a Girl by Bomshel. Poker Face by Lady GaGa.  And Still Dirrrty by Christina Aguilera. 
  2. I go for a walk.  Alone.  I don't even take Sparky on my crab-fighting walks.  I walk fast and I'm usually listening to the above playlist singing right out loud (because I don't know my neighbors so who cares?).  I take time during my power walking to breathe deep, look up into the sky and give thanks.  Even in my crabbiness, I give thanks.  It helps me to remember that I have my health, I have my kids and my friends and my family.  I have all that I need in this life.  And that's the truth.
  3. I read something positive.  Or something funny. Or both.  I read The Bloggess a lot today.  I also visited Positively Positive several times.  I find that getting AWAY from myself and diving into something that helps me think good thoughts.  I have recently started reading Bible verses.  I honestly Google things like "Bible verses for people who are feeling crabby."  Apparently the Bible doesn't actually USE the word "crabby" so  I got a lot of results about anger, stressed and tired.  It worked though.  My favorite find of the day was Isaiah 41:10.  Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. It made me feel a lot less alone.
  4. Do something nice for someone else.  Sometimes it helps me to get out of my funk by ignoring it and doing something GOOD.  Today, I took care of my tiny hoodlums who were both home with a bug.  And I did some other stuff which shall remain only for my own internal happiness.  The main thing here is to stop focusing on your stupid crap and think about other people.  Regardless of what I might like to believe, the world does not ACTUALLY revolve around me.  (I know, it IS a newsflash...it was a shocking revelation to me, too.)
I'm not quite 100% out of the woods.  But I'll get there.  Until then, keep the cane away from me.

Love you.  Mean it.

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  1. With each new post, I realize how much we have in common and remember how much I appreciate your friendship. Love you. Mean it.

    1. Vicki, I would SO SQUEEZE YOU right now if you were here. :) You are the best. Truly. Love you and REALLY mean it.