Off...Again

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.

--Sara Evans

Is there anything better than a good break up blog?  The status of the On Again Boyfriend is...Off Again.  And, this time (sadly), I think it's Off For Good.  We've had a good/bad go of it.  We've struggled and fought to make it work because, deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, we honestly love each other.

But, as the song says, sometimes love just ain't enough.

Some things are my fault, some things are his and some things are just US.  We don't work.  It sucks to be starting over at 42, especially when your heart and soul belong to someone else.  But I know the pain will pass and life will begin again.  He'll find someone amazing and I'll live my life alone with a hundred cats.  Drinking.  And crying.  And listening to country music while mascara runs down my face in black rivers.

I'm not afraid of the future.  I'm a little on the sad side still because I was really hoping for that white picket fence or, in the case of The Ex Boyfriend, miles of barbed wire surrounding a 10-acre steel reinforced compound.  I do know that there is a Divine Plan and that life will work out one way or another.

Opie Taylor feels sorry for me.  Photo courtesy Andy Griffith fans.

I don't intend to date (so please don't send me the number of your cousin's uncle's barber, please) for a long while because I need to pull myself back together (again) and figure out that I am worthy, valuable, and all that jazz that I seem to lose during the drama of On-Again-Off-Again.  I probably will drink a few bottles of wine between here and there.


I've devised a plan, though, to get me through the next few months.
  

The A#1 Getting Over a Break Up in 30 Days or Less Plan

1. Listen to female angst music.  I'm going to rock out to the REALLY good ones like I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor), Survivor (Destiny's Child), Nothing Compares 2 U (Sinead O'Connor), Rolling in the Deep (Adele), So What (Pink), Fighter (Christina Aguilera), Irreplaceable (Beyonce), and Believe (Cher).  I will probably alternate between crying and rage for a few days.
2. Drink wine.  (I don't need to expound here.)
3. Get into kick-ass shape.  Part of that is vengeance (because I'm a girl and I NEED to look awesome if I ever see him again) and part of it is just investing energy into something other than crying.
4. Forget English.  If I forget how to communicate in English, I will not be able to text him, call him OR write him ever again.  I shall henceforth communicate in Mandarin.  Or perhaps Swahili.
5. Learn karate.  Because karate looks fun.
6. Get another dog.  Or have another kid. Because everyone knows that additional responsibilities are SUCH a wise idea when you're wallowing in misery.
7. Rent stupid girl movies that make you cry.  Because crying over someone ELSE'S pretend misery is so much better than sobbing uncontrollably over your own.
8. Blog about your own worthless miserable existence.  Because THAT will make everyone else a) incredibly glad not to be you and b) happy that their own lives don't suck as much as yours does.
9. Stop whining about everything.  Sheesh, grow a backbone.  There is no need to be sorry for everything.  Whiny behavior will not ease you through this rough patch.
10. Reinvent your life.  This is the most important one of all because, in the midst of a terrible break up, you don't think that life will ever be good again.  This was IT, right?  This was The One?  Apparently not.  The One would still be working, right?  Life goes on.  You, too, will go on.  

The best part about all of this is that the future is STILL wide open.  I wish Off Again nothing but the best.  He's got a great life ahead of him, I can FEEL it.  And I?  Well, I'll keep plugging away.  For now, I'm just going to focus on this:

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning."  --Ivy Baker Priest